OLD BLUE JEANS
(tired, worn etc)
I am not happy. I haven't been for a while now.
I have never really considered myself to be a sad girl, I always knew how to pick myself back up, to make myself happy but it seems I am failing at everything. I have tried to go out more, hang more with my friends, watch funny shows, pray and even go to church but still.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to go to church, church makes me very happy. Being with my family and friends too makes me happy and I always try to be in the moment and bask in it but it always seems like there’s a dark cloud looming waiting to envelop me.
The other day something entered my eyes and it started tearing up, thought I’d use the opportunity to cry a bit and feel better. I cried the whole day and I did not feel better, instead I ended up with a nasty headache and I couldn’t sleep.
For a while I thought I could derive my happiness from the good things happening to my people but I can’t seem to do that anymore. I still want to hear all the good news and I can be happy for my people but I can’t be happy for myself. I don’t know if that makes sense.
It just feels like everyone is killing it, getting better jobs, meeting their person and settling down, figuring life out and knowing what to do next, making money, leaving the country, making big career moves and just being great. And then there’s me, stuck, looking forward to nothing, expecting nothing, I’m not even drifting, I’m just stuck.
I wake up and struggle to go to work, struggle to stay at work, get home to lie on my bed and rewatch tv shows I’ve seen before because I have no motivation to see new shows, I have no plans for the future and no plans for the present.
No motivation, strength or ginger to do anything. Because it feels like almost every effort I make ends with failure or rejection,
I really don’t know what I’m going to do, I don’t think I want to discuss this with anybody. As far as talking about it goes, this is the best I can do. They say the first step towards recovery is admitting it and that’s what I’m doing, admitting to myself that I’m not okay. If symptoms persist I may consider making use of the few therapy sessions my hmo offers me but that’s it. If you are my friend and you are worried about me just say a prayer for me or send me money.
I went to church some Sundays ago and Pastor Poju spoke about seasons and handling rejection etc so I’m leaning towards believing that this is just a season and it will pass but when?
